Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
