Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
