my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
