Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
