Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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