Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
