At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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