i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
