I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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