Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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