Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
