i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
