i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
