trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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