Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
