remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
