What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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