You're so nebulous sometimes
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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