dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
