I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
