Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
