you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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