I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
