The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
