Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
