Pants 0. Shit 1.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
