My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
