I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
