I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
