our cab driver is having phone sex.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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