if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
