Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We don't watch enough power rangers
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
