We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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