dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
