textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
