Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
