So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
