When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
