Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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