The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
