now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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