you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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