i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
