The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
