Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
