remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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