I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Mom said you looked used
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
