Umm I'm too high to move.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
