All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
