if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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