cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
