When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
