nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
